When I Cast Your Shadow by Sarah Porter

Author:Sarah Porter
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tom Doherty Associates

NEVER-EVER

That’s what I get for spacing out and daydreaming about Paige and Elena, or about some messed-up combination of the two of them: a dark-haired girl twisting in my arms, but lit up by flashes of blue. I can’t afford to let down my guard like that, because I’m so out of my head and so oblivious to everything around me that I don’t even notice at first that Dash has bopped me under the surface again. And when I do realize what’s happening, he has me completely squashed. I kick a little; it doesn’t seem to do much, but maybe I’m not actually trying that hard. Maybe I’m too tired and bummed to really fight.

Have fun out there, Dash. You like this crappy world so much, you can have it. Personally I’m done caring what happens. I tried caring for a while and it turned out to be a huge mistake.

All at once I’m remembering something, so intensely that it’s like the memory has swelled up around me: I’m back in Paige’s bedroom. I’m sitting cross-legged on her bed staring down at my left hand cradling a phone—when did that happen?—feeling so totally miserable it seems like too much work to even breathe. My right hand keeps stroking the sheets: they’re very light blue with a little bit of sheen. And I’m thinking of Ruby. I was about to send a text message to someone—who?—but for half a minute that’s enough to stop me: the thought of how disappointed Ruby will be if she hears I’ve started using again.

Using what, though? If this is my memory shouldn’t it make some kind of sense, maybe even be about something that actually happened to me? Then I look up and see my reflection in the mirror: wavy pinkish gold hair and a face that always looks like it’s trying to sell you something, and probably not just cologne.

Okay. This is a memory, all right, but it’s definitely not mine. There’s an atmosphere of emotion in here so sick and brutal that I realize all at once where I must be: I’m remembering the night Dash died. He said something, didn’t he, about his memories leaking into Ruby’s mind while he was possessing her? It’s pretty unbearable, but I should probably try to stay with it, to find out once and for all exactly what happened to him. I haven’t forgotten about Ruby’s crazy suspicions, and even though I’m sure she’s wrong it would be good to really, definitively know.

I should go ahead and break Ruby’s heart. Get it over with. She’s old enough to learn that she can’t count on anyone but herself. She’s old enough to ditch her supremely irritating innocence, her glowing expectations. I mean, I don’t hear those words exactly, but that’s a rough translation of the feelings sliding through my mind. There’s even this weird idea that Ruby’s innocence is a kind of parasite, and that it’s feeding on me. Sometimes I enjoy it, but tonight it’s just making me resentful.

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